As a woman who is transgender, there is a lot of negativity to deal with.
State legislators that want to implement laws to discriminate against us by limiting access to medical care. People claiming religious values to treat others outside what they were “taught” casting stones at you. Family and friends who decide to pretend you don’t exist any more.
The negativity before accepting myself and starting to live my real self was worse. And many people — transgender or not — know what real negativity feels like.
Doubt, fear, anxiety, confusion, blame, hate, depression.
And it doesn’t come JUST from the world outside you. It comes from the inside.
- You don’t know if that event happened.
- You doubt your ability to act appropriately in a situation.
- You are afraid of what comes in the next statement from someone you are close to.
- You are anxious over the future — not next month or next year — the next 60 seconds.
- You are confused about what to do next to prevent more fear and anxiety.
- You blame yourself for that disagreement or misunderstanding.
- You start to hate yourself. And I mean hate yourself.
- You lose interest in everything that doesn’t serve to form some sort of release, even if short lived, from everything else.
Anyone who has survived these types of emotions and the inward negativity factory knows how wonderful it feels to finally tell that factory their delivery is being refused and force the plant shutdown.
With the current proposed legislation in Texas where I live threatening to end gender affirming health care for both youth and adults, it is easy to start accepting those negative deliveries again.
I choose to keep the positivity factory running inside me. I choose to treat those around me with love and kindness regardless of what they think. I want them to see an amazing and gracious woman. They don’t need to know I am not assigned female at birth. There are only 3 people who need to know. Me; my doctor; and whomever I am in a relationship with. Except, all of you know; because I choose to share my story.
So, I hold on to the mantra:
No matter what life hands to me that day, I am an amazing, beautiful, strong, intelligent, loving and compassionate woman. The world’s opinion of me doesn’t change that fact. I love me, and that is enough to go to bed happy.
Tell the negativity monster to move out.
Invite the happy bear to be your new roommate.